So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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