come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
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