My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
