when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
