He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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