so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
