singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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