i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
