she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
