You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
