So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
