you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
