that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
