I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
