is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
