I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize