I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
So here I am, sexting at work.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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