You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Randomize
