i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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