I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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