She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize