Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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