My Higher Power is John Stamos
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Randomize