I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
