He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize