i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Randomize
