so that wasnt chicken after all
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
