Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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