i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
We're too hungover to prance.
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