I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
