this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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