i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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