1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
