who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
