i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Will exercising make me less horny?
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