Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Operation Purity has been aborted
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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