So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
