Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
