She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
please don't ironically join a cult
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