and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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