Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
