I think im going to throw up on grandma
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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