pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
