News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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