so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
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