i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
