I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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