and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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