She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
