My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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