I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
