ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
