I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
sarcasm needs its own font
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
