if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
