I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I need to sanitize my soul.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
