FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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