I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
