she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
