I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
