so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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