we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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