you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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