sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize