John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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