I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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