Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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